Forcing or flexibility?

What the research tells us is that when we are faced with unsettling situations where we don’t know what to say or do, we are more likely to react in an authoritarian way, using a power over

approach – also known as simply trying to force behaviours and outcomes. Only problem is that forcing never turns out well. It might get us what we want in the moment, but down the road, it needs more pressure, and you know what follows pressure is the need to control and fear.

Enter one of the key pro-active strategies to minimize behaviours we find

challenging that involves no forcing – flexibility. Flexibility is the antithesis of

forcing, yet for some adults it also denotes abandoning their my way or the

highway approach of resolving challenging situations.

Flexibility allows us space to:

• PAUSE (Perhaps An Unseen Solution Exists),

• catch our breath,

• regulate ourselves – imagine that!

• sidestep a power struggle,

• model awareness and self-compassion (see Dr. Kristin Neff's work!), and

• relinquish the ruthless need to be right.

I think of flexibility as a grace to not only minimize behaviours we find challenging

but to experience less suffering in our lives. I know this from firsthand experience.

The time and energy I used to spend on being right and protecting my “rightness”

– oh my lanta, it was a real energy suck! Which brings me to my BIG picture truth I

want to share. Being unsure is part of being human – and in challenging situations

we can and will forget this. If we can remember that when a student or child catches us off

guard with “this sucks”, we can do what I call a knowledge translation and

remember their fear of:

• the proposed activity

• not looking good in front of their peers because they don’t know what

we’re asking them

• something new or unexpected.

If we can remember that fear leads us to say or do things we’ll regret, then we can

connect with the fact that human beings do strange things when we feel

unsettled, whether we’re adults or children. If we don’t wig out when we don’t

know, we can practice being connected. Dr. Brené Brown defines connection as

the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued. To

this end, it is important that educators understand:

• their own triggers, and how this impacts our awareness and self-care,

• how some learners do not have a sense of themselves as good and worthy

and this has them challenge the educator to gain power over versus what

they need as inner power and power with, (Dr. Brené Brown)

• that while a student might say something “sucks”, what lies beneath is a

fear of not knowing what you’re asking, not wanting to “look bad”.

What ways are you bound by looking good which limit your capacity to be yourself?