Caring in the face of not caring

One of the boldest, most courageous acts in the face of disrespecftul behavior is to care in the face of not caring. The predictable reaction is to reciprocate and be disrespectful right back which only increases reactivity - or we feel afraid and powerless. There is another way. At REiL Learning, we work with organizations to build practices to pro-actively engage in inclusive work when things get "tricky". In this blog entry, I share 4 ways to support caring boldly. These 4 strategies include rapport, boundaries, expectations, and flexibility.

First, let's talk about rapport. Let me explain what I mean by rapport especially when we're in challenging or tricky situations:

• Sometimes rapport, which I define as being interested and engaged comes easily, sometimes not.

• When rapport does not come easily, it takes significant time and energy to build and maintain in tricky situations. Acknowledge the time and energy YOU spend, and slow down to care for yourself.

• Caring for ourselves in ways which nurture and replenish us is key to being able to maintain rapport in challenging situations.

• Liking is not rapport. Liking is a preferential choice we get to make with our friends. Rapport is an ongoing commitment.

Next, let's look at boundaries. I use Dr. Brené Brown's definition of a boundary as "what's okay and what's not okay". Again, this will differ for each of us. The important thing is that having boundaries allows for our needs to be present, and helps us practice self-care and model that for others. Did you ever consider that in your work you teach social skills by having boundaries? It's true. Boundaries also allow us to declare "enough" and support us in not being overwhelmed or exhausted. Not to mention, they're badass and in great need right now in the world!

Next, let's discuss expectations. I think of expectations as what works and doesn't work at an activity, program or organizational level. The research says that when expectations are clearly communicated, we are less likely to behave unpredictably and in reactionary ways. Expectations support us in knowing what's expected and that decreases anxiety.

Lastly, let's look at the power of flexibility. Flexibility allows us to not get locked into rigid, stuck ways of thinking. Not to mention, that if only one person is locked in, you can't have a power struggle.

So, in summary flexibility:

• helps us maintain a sense of ease and levity in tricky situations

• avoids power struggles and our need to be "right" - which as gratifying as it can feel in the moment, loses its' appeal and leaves us feeling isolated in the long run

• allows for more creative decision making

How do you practice caring in the face of not caring?

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